It has been a crazy week. My gut is unsettled about some things regarding our ministry and our funding sources. Yesterday, I was really okay about everything, but today I can't stop replaying the hour and half long conversation in my head and saying all of the things I wish I had said then. I didn't hold it all in though. Much was let out. I hope I was in line. I think I'm struggling with being dependent on others for our livelihood. I'm okay trusting God with our finances, but I'm having a hard time trusting God's people sometimes. The ordeal with the insurance and Hillside has come to the forefront of my mind. People, well-meaning people, say the "right" things at the right time, but can they follow through with it. In the business world, things like this may happen, but I would choose not to work for a company who did business that way. Or, I would at least confront the boss and share my thoughts. Why is that so hard to do in a Christian culture? My friends Matt and Emily recently said the same thing. While Matt worked in the secular world, he handled conflict by standing up for himself and what he thought was right. Eventually, it was resolved. But, in the church world, he has never felt the freedom to defend himself or his right when in conflict with church leadership. We were told that funding would start in April, now, we are told we have to have the business plan-type proposal written (including a five year plan) before the process can begin. We are not nearly ready for that. Not until B and J get here. Anyway, I don't want to list a lot of details, but I have a lot of frustration with how we've been handled. I'm not sure I want to be attached to strings. I think I'd get whiplash way too often. There's got to be another way.
On the upside, maybe we need a five year plan. Maybe we need to discuss the long term plans more specifically. In the marriage analogy, we're engaged, a few months away from the wedding, but have we talked about when to have kids? Or if mama's gonna stay home with the kids? Have we talked about the desire to move across the country in six months to attend seminary--oh wait that was my real marriage story! Lord, please show us what step to take next. And please give us the minimal income to qualify for our loan so we can buy the house.
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Mandy, on Wednesday I was praying through a section of Psalm 51, "Create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Today was the following verse, "Return to me the joy of thy salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
I needed those words from God. I need to be willing to give up some of my freedoms, I think, to further the cause. And right now I need God to sustain me. I feel extremely week. I feel like I'm learning this for the first time.
What you said about funding and strings is what Barb and I have talked about also. It's an ongoing dialogue. Even asking certain individuals help or certain churches or associations--what is their implied/assumed interest? I don't know. I'm working through it right now.
Can you talk to Greg? I wonder if he assumed we knew about the 5 year plan? Either way, it seems like something has gone amiss. I told Robert that my schedule is changing and I will have substantial time on Wed, Fri, and Saturday to work on writing and things associated with the proposal.
When we were in Memphis it came across my mind that you and Robert were badly burned by Hillside. Especially so sense Adam was on his way.
It seems that the message from Brian this past Sunday might be applicable to our situation. Perhaps I need to consider working bi-vo, if necessary.
Anyway, I'm off to a meeting right now. On my drive I will pray for this specific situation.
J
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