A special gift

I have a little more clarification about my two paths. Tonight, I attended the Memphis City Schools Orff Concert. It was awesome, in the most true definition of the word. I have never been more impressed. I sat there by myself at this concert, waiting to create my opinion. The minute it started, I began to cry. I cried for at least 30 minutes. But I was smiling the whole time. I'm sure I looked a little nutty.

I can't believe that I have the opportunity to teach in this district. There were 133 Orff teachers listed in the concert program. I felt so small, which is how I should feel at 27. This district gives me so much room to grow. Their expectation is high.

Right now, I feel so confident in continuing my career as an Orff teacher. It is no accident that God has brought me here. We never would have moved from the Bay Area for me to go to grad school or teach in a better district. I'm amazed that God brought us here for other reasons, and this is just a perk! I feel like God really loves me and wants the best for me. He wants to give me the opportunities to learn and grow and be the best teacher I can be. I feel like He has blessed my obedience. Tonight, He has shown me a picture of things to come.

Lord, thank you for such a beautiful evening. Thank you for your love and care. You have given me such an incredible gift in bringing me to this city. I am so blessed. Help me to know how big my plate is. As I interview, help me know how much to work, and how many classes to take. Help me balance between motherhood and Orffhood.

Culture Shock

I've finally experienced it. I'm realizing that what we feel called to is completely foreign to the subculture that I come from. It is somewhat painful for me to see that the people who raised me and influenced me the most really have no understanding of what we feel called to. In some ways the world view of that subculture is so narrow that they cannot see beyond their own experiences. I guess I would be the same way had I not experienced other cultures and world views.

I think we have to understand other cultures and world views in order to share Christ with them. How do we share Jesus if we do not understand where they come from. In my experiences of other world views, I have seen some of the flaws of my own world view. I guess this is where I have changed, and am now seeing conflict.

I have heard a lot of generalizations and stereotypes lately related to race and religion, specifically, Muslims, Mexicans and Democrats. I guarantee that the people making these statements will never see the movie "Crash." What would Jesus think about these statements? Would he have confronted them and embarrassed them for their judgment? Would he have stayed quiet and prayed that they would see all people as his children? I want to act as Jesus would, but I also want to be respectful--and avoid conflict! This may be a hard road ahead.

Two paths

I feel like I'm at a crossroads of two paths. In front of me, I see one path that is the stay at home mommy, who gets pregnant again soon, and births another wonderful one or two more kids. She keeps the home tidy, nurses each kid their first year of life, and teaches them wonderful silly songs while visiting the zoo. Then, the other path is the graduate student who has taken a short break from teaching full time to get re-educated with the ways of her profession. She is on her way to becoming the best she can be in her field, maybe even teaching at the college level one day. Both of these desires are pulling very strongly on my heart. I know that it is possible to complete all of these things, but I'm questioning if I can do it all at the same time--and do them well. I've always wanted to have my children close in age, but lately, I'm beginning to think that we should wait until I've finished school before we have another one. I've heard from many parents that two is much harder than one. I just want to be sure that I'm not thinking too practically that I'm leaving God out of this decision. I know that he has given me the skills to think through issues like this, but I really need his direction. If I shouldn't go to school, I need a clear answer, because I am moving towards this very quickly, and it will cost us a pretty penny that we could use elsewhere right now! At the same time, I know that this is probably the best time for me to do this, because as we have more kids, it will only get harder. I don't want to be 40 years old before I go back for my masters.

I also need to know how big my plate is. One of the Acts 29 messages we listened to this weekend mentioned that we all have different size plates. We need to know how big our plate is, and fill it. Some people have small plates, some have big. I need to know how big my plate is. Can I be a mommy, a wife, a grad. student, and a teacher--oh, and a church planter? And where does having baby #2 come in? I want to think my plate is big enough for all of this. Who am I kidding--I'm no superwoman. What's gotta give?

Update

I'm interviewing for the parent's day out program on Tuesday. Just taking the next step...we'll see. Ideally, I don't want to work more than two days a week. But I think this is a good opportunity for some good relationships. Plus, it will give me a glimpse of what private school is like since I've never experienced it before. I should be hearing from Memphis City Schools in the next few weeks about having a preliminary interview. I'm going to the city-wide Orff concert this week. I've never been to anything like this. I have a feeling that I will be blown away.

To work or not to work...

Robert found an ad in the paper yesterday for a mother's day out program that is looking for teachers and substitutes. I've been doing a little of my own research about mother's day out programs that Adam may attend starting this fall when I go back to work part-time. I've narrowed it down to two schools, Second Pres and Grace St. Luke's. The ad that Robert found was for GSL's mothers day out. I called about the job yesterday and Sia called me back. She said that Adam could come with me on the days that I work, for $7.00 an hour. I made about $40 an hour at my last job. That's kind of depressing. So, I felt like saying no thanks. But, I said I'd wait to talk it over with Robert. Then, I began thinking how God may be giving me this opportunity for Adam to be in a good school for free. That God may want me there to meet other Midtown mommies. That down the road, we may want to have a relationship with Grace St. Luke's and this may begin the relationship. I'm praying about it.

A Day Off

It wasn't really a day off--but I had a day to myself for the first time in nine months yesterday. Robert took Adam to Mississippi for the day to visit family. It was also the first time in nine months that I had been separated from Adam for a lengthy period of time. But it was a good day for everyone. I got all of my applications done--City Schools, Grad School, and Tennessee Dept. of Ed...Now it is all out of my hands, which feels great! It took most of the day to finish those, but now it's not hanging over my head. I slept great last night knowing that I had completed my "to do" list. It's getting cooler in Memphis, so maybe we will experience a true spring before the heat comes.

We are heading to Munford for the weekend. It will be good to get out of the city for a few days. We are singing/speaking in two churches tomorrow about Project Mustard Seed. Adam will get to play with a lot of kids in the nurseries at these churches. Some of our college friends, Jenny and Kevin, have a son, Owen, who is Adam's age. Owen will be the first friend Adam has met that is close to his age. I hope they have fun together. Jenny and Kevin were newlyweds when Robert and I met in college. They are fun people. They always said that they would name their children after the places where they were conceived. I'll have to ask them about that.

You've got to fight...for your right...

It has been a crazy week. My gut is unsettled about some things regarding our ministry and our funding sources. Yesterday, I was really okay about everything, but today I can't stop replaying the hour and half long conversation in my head and saying all of the things I wish I had said then. I didn't hold it all in though. Much was let out. I hope I was in line. I think I'm struggling with being dependent on others for our livelihood. I'm okay trusting God with our finances, but I'm having a hard time trusting God's people sometimes. The ordeal with the insurance and Hillside has come to the forefront of my mind. People, well-meaning people, say the "right" things at the right time, but can they follow through with it. In the business world, things like this may happen, but I would choose not to work for a company who did business that way. Or, I would at least confront the boss and share my thoughts. Why is that so hard to do in a Christian culture? My friends Matt and Emily recently said the same thing. While Matt worked in the secular world, he handled conflict by standing up for himself and what he thought was right. Eventually, it was resolved. But, in the church world, he has never felt the freedom to defend himself or his right when in conflict with church leadership. We were told that funding would start in April, now, we are told we have to have the business plan-type proposal written (including a five year plan) before the process can begin. We are not nearly ready for that. Not until B and J get here. Anyway, I don't want to list a lot of details, but I have a lot of frustration with how we've been handled. I'm not sure I want to be attached to strings. I think I'd get whiplash way too often. There's got to be another way.
On the upside, maybe we need a five year plan. Maybe we need to discuss the long term plans more specifically. In the marriage analogy, we're engaged, a few months away from the wedding, but have we talked about when to have kids? Or if mama's gonna stay home with the kids? Have we talked about the desire to move across the country in six months to attend seminary--oh wait that was my real marriage story! Lord, please show us what step to take next. And please give us the minimal income to qualify for our loan so we can buy the house.

mommyhood

It's been busy in Memphis the last few weeks. I'm applying to the Univ. of Memphis which is occupying the majority of my spare time. My next project is to apply to teach in the Memphis City schools, then apply for my Tennessee teaching credential. Considering that it has taken me about three weeks to complete this grad school application, I'm anticipating that I'll be working on these other applications until Jesus comes. I feel that I have no time to do anything I want to do. I only have time to do the things I have to do. I guess that's the life of a mom. I do watch the occassional Gilmore Girls (okay, everyday I watch that show) and movies (last night I watched the new Pride and Prejudice--didn't care for it). I would love to spend a day shopping with my sister--and actually have some money to spend! I would love to scrapbook the last six months of Adam's life--yes, I'm already six months behind! I guess that's not too much to complain about. Pretty trivial. I would love to sleep eight hours a night at least once a week. That happened once this week. I felt like a new woman. I think I got 4 hours of sleep last night, but that was interrupted by a two hour cry from my little man who stubbornly refused to go back to sleep. I've spoiled him. And last night, at 2 am, I resolved to stop feeding him during the middle of the night. That is a hard lesson for both of us to learn. He's so cute that I want to give him everything he asks for, but we all know what would come of that. So, I'm learning to be a parent and make the tough decisions. I love my life as a mom though. It may sound like I'm complaining, but overall, this is the best job ever. Adam is learning so much right now. He is so eager to take in life. I want to give him every opportunity to learn. Speaking of learning, we became members of the Memphis Zoo yesterday. We saw many of God's creations that are rare finds today. Adam didn't quite understand how cool it was, but one day he will. I can't wait for him to ask questions like "why is that monkeys bottom pink?" and for us to find the answers together. I can't wait to see what his favorite animal will be. Will he like the monkeys like Robert, or the panda bears like me? I'm so excited for his future. Memphis is going to be a great place for him to grow up. I'm falling in love with this city. I'm so happy we are here.